when 1 of my 5,293 nightmares came true. and it was awful and I cried.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I have many fears. Oh boy, do I. #1 would be something happening to my children - kidnapping, terminal illness, accident, us growing distant with each other. #2 would involve Jared - losing him for this earth life. #3 would be a shark attack. #4 being attacked by a monkey. #5 losing my sight. And the list could go on and on. So I guess what happened last night would be a subcategory of #1.

Last night a message popped up saying our hard drive was full. Crazy. I have an external hard drive that I have saved all videos & photos from 2008 on to, PLUS I have backed up all those years on 20 dvd data disks, so I most certainly have done my job at preserving the last 6 years. At 9pm it appeared that everything on that external drive had been wiped clean. First panic attack. Luckily I knew that I had all the cds and was able to recover everything on that disk. Then at 10pm, I knew I needed to delete everything off of our actual hard drive since it was full, and knowing that I had everything back up in 2 separate places, while biting the inside of my cheek I dragged all videos into the trash. And I watched our memory space free up from 13 gb to 235 gb! I was happy all for but 2 seconds when almost immediately it dawned on me - I hadn't backed up 2013. None of it. And I just deleted it. The past 5 months of footage were gone. More than half of Warner's lifespan thus far was completely erased. Visits from grandparents and aunts & uncles in April and May were gone. Our most recent trip to Harpers Ferry from two days before, annihilated. Oh, the gut-twisting agony! I am still in disbelief. Luckily, all my photos of this year are safe and sound, which does help ease the blow. There is beauty in both mediums of photography and film, but they satisfy a different part in my heart. I love videography. Re-watching life unfold just gives me butterflies.

I am mostly disturbed about losing those 5 months with Warner. As if the 2nd child already doesn't get the same 20 minutes of daily footage that the first did, now he's lost a good half of HIS FIRST FREAKIN YEAR! Probably in the grand scheme of his life, I'm sure these 5 months won't matter in the next 17 years I have with him living under my roof...but it really does matter to me. Right now this is my baby. My baby who is growing up all too fast. My first son who I love so dearly and now I feel like I've robbed him. Again, I know I still have photos, and this probably just seems like a ton of blubbering over nothing, but this is the closest thing to death that I have come to. And that's really lucky for me, I know, because if I can't handle losing some videos, then I don't know how I'm going to handle the loss of a loved one.

Jared was gone when this travesty happened and when he came home, he first came to give me a hug, knowing what had happened. He knows how much documenting this life means to me. Which got me thinking about why I am so adament about accounting for my life. My measly little life that isn't known to anyone but my close small circle. You want to know how dedicated I am to making sure every nook and cranny of my life is accounted for? Ok. Let's count. I have a personal journal, a thoughts journal, a journal for Evelyn, a journal for Warner, family videos, family photos albums, instagram, this blog... This blog houses my family's little legacy.

The other week I taught a class on blogging. One of the questions I got was about privacy and if I'm worried about being so open. Yes, part of me is conscious of that, for sure. But the other part of me  wants to be open about experiencing life. I have always been struck by this quote, and I think this sums up why I love journaling in every form, and why I love to share it on this space:

"I have often thought that there has rarely passed a life of which a judicious and faithful narrative would not be useful; for not only every man has, in the mighty mass of the world, great numbers in the same condition as himself, to whom his mistakes and miscarriages, escapes and expedients, would be of immediate and apparent use." - Samuel Johnson, Rambler #60

I love thinking that maybe someone who stumbles across this blog might be able to learn from me, to celebrate with me, grieve with me at times, confide in me, find hope and joy in me. I know I have found all those in the lives of others. To see that we are all living a unique story, yet similar in so many ways. Life really is something to be celebrated. So now I just have to forget that there will be a gap in our family videos from Jan-May 2013, and pick up where we are now. BUMMMER!

And now because these are random photos I took at the park that do not warrant a post on their own, but are only just so cute, I'm plugging them in here:


  1. take your sd cards to a professional camera store or photographer. Usually even after the images are deleted off of the card you can still pull up a good 2 years worth.

    It happened to me! Its worth a try!!

    1. Thanks, Toni! I am definitely going to give this a try!

    2. I was going to say the same thing about the computer. Take it to a professional. Nothing is EVER really deleted off a computer unless you wipe the whole thing. You might be able to just do a backup to two days ago and everything will be good!

  2. oh man. losing those videos would kill me. I'm so sorry, lady!

    love you and your family and pretty blog!

  3. OH man, i totally know how you feel. A few months ago I lost all of my photos from 2013 and I nearly had a heart attack. Granted, I don't have adorable kids that I had taken photos of, but it was all my professional work that I had done this past year. So I do know your pain! And, at the same time, my blog died so I lost all the photos I had posted there (hence my new blog). At least you know you will be super careful next time! :/ I'm sorry that happened!!



  4. Kendra, your data probably aren't lost. When you delete soemthing from your hard drive, the operating system just marks the space on the disk where your old files were located as open, but the data still remain there until overwritten by new information. If you try using a utility like Recuva (or the Mac equivalent if you are on a Mac), there is a good chance you'll be able to get many of your "lost" files back.

    Also, if you are going to try to recover your lost files, you'll want to minimize installing new programs, web surfing, etc. before the recovery--the more you write new things on your disk, the less likely it is that you'll be able to get back your files.

    Good luck!

  5. would be devastated if I lost any of my "life documentation", I hope you can retrieve it using other commentators suggestions. As for your strong desire to document everything, who knows, maybe one of your children will cure cancer and biographers will have your blog to delve into for info :-)

  6. Are you nor able to restore them from the "trash"?? I spilled a liquid (pre-baked) pie on my computer when I was Video chatting with G during one of his deployments. (I was trying to show him the pie, not thinking) and well needless to say my computer went to crap and froze and would work what so ever. I couldn't do anything. I was in tears and though my world was crashing and burning right before my eyes. See I hadn't backed up my photo's in over 2+ years. Everything before me was gone, or so I though. I called in to work late, went and dropped it off at a local computer repair shop. Long story short, they were able to fix my laptop and everything was safe and sound on there. You can bet I rushed right home after work and backed every last thing up. Speaking of I got a new laptop for christmas which I haven't backed up since then. Note to self on what will be happening this weekend for sure.
    I'm so sorry girl, I feel your pain and completely understand the heart break. Im so so sorry.

  7. Kendra, this is devastating. It's not trivial at all. My husband is a systems engineer and he said it should be able to be recovered. If you want I can have him email you more details. You might pay a pretty penny for it but you would have to decide. His sister just did this same thing and his company Seagate Technologies wanted to charge her about $3000.00 to recover the data. Something to think about. It's a lot of money but I know that feeling of loss. I'm sorry about this. On a more positive note, I am so impressed by you. You are amazing. Seriously. All of the journaling. I feel so proud that I keep my blog, it's the best job I've done at keeping some type of record for us. I'm ashamed at how badly I've done. I'm now inspired and I want to do it all...ha! One step at a time, I'm telling myself this, you are many steps ahead... :)

    Kendra, email me or talk to me over my blog if you would like my husbands help. Talk to you soon,

    Shauna xo

  8. Kendra, this is what my husband wants you to know.... "just because you deleted does not mean gone off drive, they will only be gone if they are overwritten by things you are doing to the drive. STOP using the drive that you erased video from IMMEDIATELY, and stop using the computer." My husband has recovery software that will scan the drive and pull the deleted files off of the disk. He can email this software to you.

    I am also going to email this information to you immediately....

    Good luck,

    Shauna xo

  9. oh my goodness...I definitely would have had a good long cry about this! but I can't believe all the great suggestions you're getting so you can try to recover your hopefully-not-so-lost videos!

  10. Kendra I am so sorry. I would feel the exact same way!! I already feel that way when Im looking for a picture or video I know I have but cant remember which folder I saved it in. You for sure have some videos here on the blog. I hope you are able to recovery whatever you can. sending good thoughts your way!


  11. So scary. Seriously so scary. I hope you recover your goods.

    In other news, shark bite, cellulite attack. This is what I was reminded of when you listed your fears.

  12. This is such a great post for so many reasons - mainly I love how you are so transparent about how loosing videos led you to consider why it's so important for you to archive in the first place.

    I couldn't agree more with your rationality on sharing through a blog - it's communication that makes us human and without connection with one another (learning, grieving, laughing, crying) we're all just a bunch of robots. I love the idea that we can archive and reach out to one another and learn and not feel like the world is a vacuum.

    Also - can I just tell you that when I was like 13 I taped over (remember back in the day when you could actually "tape over" something!) the finale of Full House - I was SO devastated. I don't know why, but I associated that tape/show with so much of my childhood. Obviously really different then family footage, but it's one of those "worst nightmare" memories that sticks out in my mind.

  13. The digital age makes me crazy! I am so horrible about printing photos or burning videos onto DVDS. And when I do print them they sit in stacks because I dont have the time to put them in albums. But I am the same way and take millions of photos and treasure them as they sit on these electronic devices...Sorry to hear, but I can relate! New follower here :)