thoughts at 20 weeks

Monday, April 30, 2012

Does it make me an awful mother that at 5 months pregnant I am more confused about this baby on the way than I am excited? Not confused about how it came to be, but confused about how I am feeling out of touch with this child inside me.

When I was pregnant with Evelyn, every feeling was new. I waited every week for those pregnancy newsletters to arrive in my inbox telling me that my child was now the length of a banana and weighed almost a pound. I read pregnancy and delivery books and was so intrigued with what my body was/would be going through. I lived for every kick and hiccup that I felt in the womb. This second time around, I have a decent idea of what I should be experiencing, no newsletters are coming to my inbox, and rather than sitting at my work desk all day with time to spare to daydream about this baby I would hold in my arms, I am now rocking my first baby thinking I'm rather scared at the possibility of loving another child this much. I feel like I've given all I have and more to Evelyn willingly. I love my days with just she and I. I feel like I can conquer anything in this world with my little sidekick beside me. It's amazing how someone so small can mold me into such a bigger person.

Is it possible to love more than one child? I know it is. I'm certain of it. I know when I hold this child in my arms those same feelings of overwhelming love, gratitude and humility will come over me just as they did with Evelyn. And for that I am astounded at the miracle of love and bonding between a mother and baby.

I am so thrilled this afternoon to find out the gender! I feel like that fact will allow my heart to connect on such a deeper level. That, and the fact that baby kicks and rolls have really been lively this week! The best part of the weekend was lying on the couch and Jared feeling the baby kick for the first time. Those moments are priceless. Those nudges make it a reality that soon our family of three will be a family of four. The more the merrier, right? :)


  1. Your belly is so adorable! And hooray for finding out the gender. Will you be sharing??!? :)

  2. Of course you will love the baby as much as you love Evelyn, only in a different way.

    Can't wait to know what the gender is. I'm thinking boy.

  3. Those are the exact feelings I have when I think about getting pregnant again. It scares me! My husband has been talking about a second baby for months now (my daughter is only 8 months old!), but I just can't bite the bullet yet.

    Anyway, you look adorable with your little belly! I can't wait to hear what you're having. :)

  4. I keep wondering what my second pregnancy will be like. My first one was so hard, I'm hoping the next one will be easier even if it's only just because I know what to expect. But it is hard for me to imagine loving another child as much as I love my first. But then again I never dreamed that I could love my child now as much as I do.

    Beautiful pictures as always! And I can't wait to hear what you are having!

  5. first of all i adore your photos...the first one especialy. i had my little girl almost a year ago and we want to think about having more. i have been wondering what it will be like to carry another baby, the feelings i will have, and what it will be like spreading the love between two babes instead of just one.

    what an honest an lovely post. have fun finding out your excited news today! i think that experience will help :)

    xo, amanda

  6. I had all of those same feelings too. My son was just 6 months when we got pregnant (planned :) ) with my daughter. I worried about so much... how I could love another as much, if I could give enough attention to each and how could I do it? Everything works out and as soon as that baby is in your arm all is right. :)

  7. I totally hear ya. I wrote about my feelings on the matter not too long ago. I think all us first time moms going on #2 are experiencing the same thing. My mom said it though... Our love grows with each child. It's an awesome gift from God that's we do. Very exciting news about the gender!!!!

    - Sarah

  8. I completely understand. I'm terrified to even consider another baby right now. I don't know how I will love another one, how it will be possible and I'm so scared that somehow it will diminish my love for them both. I know that isn't possible, isn't sane. Of course I could love two. I think it is like you said, when you hold him or her for the first time, you will know how it is all possible without a shred of doubt.

    I can't wait to see what you'll be having!

  9. I'm not a mom, but I've heard a lot of people talking about this, meaning you are not alone! I think it's a common worry that you won't be able to love another child as much, but I am sure it's not true.

  10. I hear it's possible, but don't see how so myself when I think about how much I love V! You'll have to let me know :) Can't wait to hear what you're having!!

  11. I definitely think it's normal to feel a bit disconnected from baby #2 during the pregnancy - after all, baby #1 has been your main focus since that pregnancy stick read 'positive' - and boy, do babies take up a lot of our time during the day! And I was the same way with my baby - reading all the books, looking lovingly at the fruit in the grocery store, and daydreaming about the future little baby I'd one day hold. I'm sure as baby #2 grows bigger and the due date gets closer, you'll feel a bigger connection. But at the moment, spend as much just-you-and-her time with Evelyn that you can, because I'm guessing (I've only got the one myself so far!) it's going to get a whole lot more busy in your household! x

  12. You are a sweet one, your writing says so. I'm sure this is normal. And yes, I can attest as can so many other moms that it is possible to love another baby and so many more at that.

    This baby will come with its personality and you will be amazed at the dynamic that is created within your family. I was an only child until I was thirteen. So I consider myself an only child. For me giving my children their siblings has been such a blessing. It's not a picnic everyday, they bicker and do the normal stuff, but it brings so much happiness to see children bond with sisters and brothers, especially when their being taught that "families are forever."

    So with that-I'm sure you will grow ever more bonded when you find out the gender and as time ticks on.

    I am so excited for you to find out!!!! I don't blame you for wanting another girl. To be honest I was a bit sad to find we were having a boy simply because we've never had a gender back to back. But, this is what's meant to be for us, that's the only way to look at it and we're very happy.

    You are definitely in my thoughts today! Have fun at your appointment!

    Shauna xoxoxoxoxoxo

  13. Even though I've done it before, I always end up signing up for the emails that say what's going on each week. I've found that it helps me to be mindful of my pregnancy, before it's super noticeable.
    I'm 20 weeks with #4 now, though, and I'm feeling similarly to some of the things you wrote. Even with the emails, and being able to feel this baby, I'm just feeling a bit disconnected.
    One thing I'm trying to do to help that is, in the morning before I get out of bed, I'll rest my hands on my belly and just relax and think about the little person growing inside of me. I feel like something as little as a few minutes of peace to think about the new one really helps to form a connection, even when the rest of the day is filled with caring for the older ones. Just a thought.
    I'm excited for you to find out! Even though we wait until the birth, I always get excited for others who are finding out sooner. :)

  14. I had the EXACT same reaction with my second. And I didn't sort it out until he came into the world and my heart soared in size. I think because I was so much busier and didnt think about my pragnancy as much, I was much more emotional upon his delievery when I realized how much love I felt holding his little body. Then, it happens all over again when you see the little ones love each other. There is so much room!

  15. such an honest & perfect post. I'm not even preggo with #2 yet and I already have these feelings...but I know that we have room in our hearts to love more than one baby!

  16. This is such a sweet, honest post. Whenever I think about my future children, I just think about things like: Who would take care of Adam while I was delivering the baby? How will I hold Adam when I'm pregnant? What will Adam think??

    I know I will love my other children just as much, but like you said, it's just so hard to imagine what that will be like!

  17. I love baby belly pictures. Pregnant women are so beautiful. You're have such normal feelings. Everyone obviously has different feelings and yours are not bad and don't make you a bad mother at all!!!

  18. all i can see is that i think what you are feeling is SO NORMAL. i can't imagine feeling anything other than all of that! so keep talking it out, writing about it. it's cathartic, right?

  19. This was a beauitful glimpse into motherhood. I can't imagine all the emotions you must feel when you are pregnant with another child.
    Just beautiful.

  20. Oh sweet friend I am so excited that you find out the gender today <3 for some reason I always thought your having another girl

    I can't relate yet (I still have just Judah and we may try for another this summer) but I do have that same fear, how in the world could I love another baby as much as I love him, then I feel guilty that the other baby would be stealing some of my love for Judah away from him (I know I have silly thoughts) but I bet as soon as you meet your sweet baby face to face, your heart is going to expand (kinda like the grinch but beautiful) in such a way to hold a love that you never thought you could ever have, a sweet love that totally encompasses your two sweet children and your husband. Then you will wonder, how in the world did I not have two children in my life, things are complete :-)
    praying for you

  21. You look gorgeous, and I'm pretty sure that love just multiplies. There will always be enough x

  22. I'm back, sorry. I didn't even mention how much I love these pictures! I love your style, your ease, your hair, your face, your daughter, the black and white, the first picture, her hand upon yours while you embrace your belly and so much more, I could go on and on.

    I always have visions of what I want to do in terms of pictures but they don't usually come to fruition. But, somehow you always capture the vision that I wanted? How do you do that? Hahahahaha. I want your eye, or your husband's, not sure maybe it was his idea to do the shots this way? Either way-priceless.

    Alright, when are we going to hear? I can't wait to know!!!!!!

    Thinking of you!


  23. i had the same feelings before my second baby was born. but oh man, i learned quickly that there is plenty of room in this little heart of mine. my babies are so different and that's what i love about them. they have helped me understand why and how Heavenly Father can love so many of us - because being unique and different makes us so special and so loveable. just being who they are is enough! Congratulations on the baby boy! you are in for a real treat!