burgeoning with a new name


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I've had this pesky devil sitting on my shoulder the past couple of weeks. He's awfully mean, making me feel like I'm not doing the best at life. After muling over how to get rid of him, I decided that the only logical solution, besides praying extra fervently, would be to change my blog name. Ludicrous - right?! I'm even laughing at myself as I'm typing this. It sounds so idiotic that this teeny space on the internet could cause my soul to thrash around so terribly at night, but truth be told, sometimes the blog is a heartbreaker.

So many times I have thought to myself "hey you! you've got yourself figured out, dontcha? well, that's mighty fine!" and I walk along confident until the next thing comes around. I thought once I got out of high school I would leave the awkward and ever-doubtful me behind because high school is the time of great self-discovery right? then college came along and I re-defined myself. It was a better self. Then marriage. Surely, if there is ever a time to truly emerge into your own it is when you merge yourself together with another person and discover that you+him = you. You are forged together in unity and it is tough but it is beautiful. Then the two of you decide "hey, doesnt you+me+baby+baby = neverending happiness?! Let's dooo itttt!!" and before you know it you're like "hey, where'd I go in all this?" Does any of that make sense? For the past 3 weeks I have just felt like I've lost myself. I've felt defeated in many ways and can't quite figure out where to find me. I've felt very inadequate and spread thin on so many levels, and my little family has suffered for it.

This past week Evelyn has come up to me multiple times with arms outstretched and said "hug, hug." I'll pick her up and she'll rest her head on my shoulder and I'll rock her back and forth, stroking her hair, thinking how odd this whole thing is that she wants to cuddle. She has never been a cuddler, so after her doing this day after day I began to re-evaluate where this might be coming from. My priorities were a bit jumbled.

 I've written a couple posts about the good and bad of blogging. After holding Evelyn, I realized that I was most likely devoting too much time to posting about life rather than living life. I do feel like I have always been an honest blogger. I could probably write a happy and frustrated post every day, although most would probably be more on the aggravating end to tell ya the truth. Being a mom is hard. Much harder than I thought. My kids aren't hard, it physically isn't hard, but I am a very emotionally invested person and I think sometimes I take motherhood even way too seriously than it should be taken :) I feel guilt in an instant and I let it consume me. I could never forgive myself if I spent Evelyn and Warner's childhood infront of a computer screen rather than infront of their beautiful faces. Hence, I'm changing gears here on the blog.

 Whew, let's bring this full circle now, shall we? Starting off talking about changing my blog name to insecurities and self-discovery to motherhood brings me back to the change of blog name. While I hold true to why I chose little almanac in the first place as a blog name, life is getting serious now :) I'm taking this blog more seriously and a cutesy-tootsy name just isn't quite what I'm going for these days. I am on an honest road to re-defining myself, forging new paths, conquering anxieties, opening up vulnerabilities, testing my limits, growing patience, discovering my strengths and strengthening my weaknesses. I'm growing into a darn strong woman. It is probably blogger suicide to change your blog name so late in the game, but I truly feel this will be the best for me.  

So what does this mean for me as a blogger? Does it mean I'll be posting less? Could be. If I have nothing to say I'm not going to post just to say something to keep daily stats up. If Evelyn wants to play tickle monster, then I do that rather than worry about posting. Same goes if Warner needs some cheering on during his roll over practice. But this also means I'm changing what I will post. This space will now be me documenting my "coming of age," if you will. And that story, my friends, requires a lot, and i mean A LOT, of written words. When Jared read this post before I hit publish, his only comment back to me was "wow, your brain sure thinks a lot." Haha, yes! I have so many thoughts bottled up each day and I am wanting to turn this space into more of my therapy board. I think this will help my posts be more heartfelt, more personal, more funny at times even. Pretty pictures will still adorn this space as I absolutely love the beauty of photography and still have every intention of documenting my growing family. This space is for me to blossom into my own and document my discovery of who I am as a woman, wife, and mother. And what better title to own this burgeoning blog than my own name?

So what does this mean for you as a reader? I have truly been amazed by the kindness I have felt in this blogging world. I am so grateful for each one of you who have encouraged me in so many ways by your wonderful remarks. Each comment left on this blog is seriously good for my soul. And while I appreciate each comment with all my heart, I am not going to commit to reply to each one. Again, not because they are not appreciated, but because I am going to try and minimize the amount of time I am infront of the computer or with my phone in my hand. If you do email me personally or leave a question in the comments I will 100% reply. You can count on it!!

I am so grateful for the therapy this space provides for me. I have a sweet obession with this space as it is my creative outlet. I have a love affair with words, as the pages of my journal will tell you, and I hope to bring more of that here. If this place wasn't already enough of a mommy blog, it will surely be so now because that is the stage I am at right now. It is where realm in which I am having the most triumphs and also the biggest struggles.

I know I will probably lose some readers in this switch, and that's ok. But my hope is that I can be more open about how I am feeling and maybe someone else will find solace in my words because I know I could use some honesty in this blogging world instead of flowery images sometimes. I'm planning on changing my domain name to .com in light of this name switch, so be on the lookout to update your readers and bookmarks in the coming days if you want to stick around :)

 Hi. I'm Kendra May Oakden and I am a crazy person. But somehow this blog is killing me and saving me at the same time.  

30 comments:

  1. You never need to apologize for taking the right direction with your own life--you should be celebrating it!

    And as for me personally, I've loved your blog since I first found it, and I'm not going anywhere. Best of luck to you in this next exciting phase of your self-discovery!

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    1. I second Torrie's comment. I'm sticking with you and your blog. Thanks for sharing your life with us, changes and all.

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  2. Wonderful! I Had to make a goal to spend more time off the computer as well for the same reasons. My babies are growing to fast, and I don't want to miss a second. Of course I think you're making a great choice!

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  3. I totally understand and I am only a mom of one! She is wonderful but balancing her, our dog, being a wife and my full time job is taxing at best. I had to take a mental health day recently after my husband was away on business and was so sleep deprived that I had a major eye twitch that would not quit. Just trying to calm my mind down was one of the hardest things! You do what you need to do to maintain your sanity and be a wonderful wife and mother to that family of yours. I will still be reading - with the name little almanac or not. Best of luck to you!

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  4. your words completely resonate with me.
    I will continue to look forward to your posts, no matter how frequent or wordy they are! :)
    floralandfudge

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  5. I discovered your blog in may and I read it every day since then. I'm just 18 years old but the way you write, your cute kids, your photos...all this got me hooked up and I always read your posts. Normally, I don't leave any comments but after reading this post I thought I should tell you that as for me, you're not going to lose a reader.
    Hope it's well written. :) Regards from Spain.
    Claudia

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  6. Kendra, my dear friend...this is good. Blogging is an interesting thing for sure. I think about it often. I think there has to be a fine balance. We all have egos to some degree, the number of comments, the words shared, etc. can really play into why we blog. I like you, it sounds, try to blog to share about my life. Although, I haven't found it easy to blog about the struggles and hardships as much. I do have them, but I'm insecure about blogging without pictures...maybe I could learn from you. :) Nonetheless, I support you in backing off technology, social media...etc. for your children's sake for sure. It's crucial Kendra.

    Glad to hear your kids aren't hard. My kids are suuuuuuper hard!!! Funny huh? I have intense, driven, sometimes crazed, passionate personalities for children. Very few of them are very laid back. This can make life pretty interesting. But, I love it more than anything. Being a mother has made and is making me who I am. And I'm better for it.

    I of course will stick around to hear your words. You know I would since I've told you too many tims how much I love your blog. Your a sweet spirit Kendra. Take great care, and good luck,

    Shauna xoxoxoxo

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  7. you are awesome, and your blog will still be awesome regardless of a slight content shift or renaming. way to stick with what feels right to you!

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  8. I've enjoyed reading your blog for some time, because of the sincerity of your writing and the honesty of your posts. I look forward to tagging along during this new journey of yours!

    Sheree
    thehartungs.blogspot.ca

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  9. Kendra, I can relate completely to the spending way too much time in front of the computer screen. I have found it is an outlet for me in so many ways, but the guilt of neglecting my most important role of motherhood always gets me. It is hard to find balance. Social media is a tricky thing and it is something that is so new to this generation of mothers. It's a challenge...sometimes I feel bombarded and forget who I am...I feel like I'm being pulled into different directions of what the world wants me to be, what my house should look like, what I should wear, etc. etc. I often lose focus and truly forget who I am. The people I admire most are those who are, who they are and that is how I want to be. I just want to be myself and no one else...it is a constant battle. Thanks for this post and inspiring me to focus on the things that matter most. I LOVE reading about your cute family and I think you are doing a wonderful job just being yourself!:)

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    1. love this post! and this is part of the exact reason why I took a break for basically the past month...I don't ever want Elyse to think that I can't get down and tickle her in the floor because I've got my nose glued to a screen!

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  10. I love it! All of it. The new name, look, purpose, all of it! Cheers to a new you! You are such an inspiration :)

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  11. I'll be sticking around! It sounds exciting!

    Besides blogs that are more real and less flowery are my favorite. Heaven knows we could use a little more honesty in the mommy blogging realm.

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  12. What I have always loved about your blog is the honesty in your words. I love that you have these great stories and I think its so wonderful of you as a mother to make sure your 1st priority is your children and that they know it. I will follow your journey wherever you may go. By the way the new design, your so talented! Cheers Kendra May!

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  13. ha, i don't think you'll lose any readers. it's just a name change, no one minds that :)

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  14. ahhh i love this post. blogging is also about growth, and it's obviously helping you to grow immensely!

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  15. hey lady - i'm gonna keep reading. and i say do whatever you have to do. your blog, we choose to come here because we like you and like reading what you have to say. so carry on however you see fit! i'm sure i'll love it.

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  16. kendra, you're awesome! do whatever you like, I will still continue reading :)

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  17. Kendra, I absolutely love this. It's so heartfelt and honest and I've actually been feeling the exact same way! Stay strong mama and keep up the great work!

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  18. Excited for your change. Sometimes things just need a change.

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  19. You go girl. You've got your priorities in the right place. I'm looking forward to reading more. You have a talent with words! And as a mother to two little boys about the same ages as yours, I can relate in so many ways.

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  20. Not losing a reader here...as a mommy to just one, I completely understand the feeling of losing yourself...I just had this conversation with my husband last week. Know that you have a great amount of readers that love your blog and fully support your decision to focus on mommy'ing! And I agree with a comment above, the more honest mom blogs, the better!

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  21. Well, you're definitely not losing me as a reader. I totally understand what you mean...really, about everything. It's hard to think clearly when you're feeling defeated...and when you're being pulled in so many directions. I find that when I get too stressed about my blog, I need to take a step back and evaluate...which is exactly what you've done. Let me know if you ever want to talk :-)

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  22. Kendra, you are so the girl I remember! Circumstances have changed, but the authentic inquiry into the heart and spirit of life, truth, and meaning are there. This generation of women is up against so many new influences upon identity; social as well as self-imposed expectations and "shoulds" either produce anxiety or depression as we soul search and muddle through. God is faithful in these journeys as life is one big ball of wonder to unwind. I'll be here in prayer and as a reader as I can relate!

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  23. Kendra I think this is the best post you have written since I've known you. Its written so well. You spoke from the heart and from a place where most people can relate. I've cut back on posting everyday. it was wearing me thin. I do need to get better with spending time with Judah and making sure I have that work out routine in place.

    Lets hang out again next week, it was good to see you today and I truly feel that this year our souls will be refreshened and we will have a clearer outlook on this whole blogging thing that we both love so dearly. I kinda love that is a place (like an online journal) that we are sharing with eachother.
    xoxo

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  24. This is a great post! I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It's something I constantly battle with myself. I love your blog and I'll still be here :)

    xo
    Rachel

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  25. Amen Sista! Motherhood is such a selfless calling in life. So selfless that I too, at times, feel a little lost in it all. There is so much I would love to be doing to improve myself and my homemaking skills, but there never seems to be enough time/energy for my projects. Sometimes I get frusterated with it all. Then I look at the calendar and see that Lily's PRE-KINDERGARTEN regristration is next week, it makes me realize how fast time passes by and how fast our little's grow. There will always be time for me and my projects, but there is only a small window of time for my children to be all mine and be home with me all day long!

    Your post was so well put. Thanks for being so honest and not trying to act like motherhood is easy and you have it all together. Even though I'm sure you really do and it's just your perfectionism working against you. You're a great Mother!

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