burgeoning with a new name

I've had this pesky devil sitting on my shoulder the past couple of weeks. He's awfully mean, making me feel like I'm not doing the best at life. After muling over how to get rid of him, I decided that the only logical solution, besides praying extra fervently, would be to change my blog name. Ludicrous - right?! I'm even laughing at myself as I'm typing this. It sounds so idiotic that this teeny space on the internet could cause my soul to thrash around so terribly at night, but truth be told, sometimes the blog is a heartbreaker.

So many times I have thought to myself "hey you! you've got yourself figured out, dontcha? well, that's mighty fine!" and I walk along confident until the next thing comes around. I thought once I got out of high school I would leave the awkward and ever-doubtful me behind because high school is the time of great self-discovery right? then college came along and I re-defined myself. It was a better self. Then marriage. Surely, if there is ever a time to truly emerge into your own it is when you merge yourself together with another person and discover that you+him = you. You are forged together in unity and it is tough but it is beautiful. Then the two of you decide "hey, doesnt you+me+baby+baby = neverending happiness?! Let's dooo itttt!!" and before you know it you're like "hey, where'd I go in all this?" Does any of that make sense? For the past 3 weeks I have just felt like I've lost myself. I've felt defeated in many ways and can't quite figure out where to find me. I've felt very inadequate and spread thin on so many levels, and my little family has suffered for it.

This past week Evelyn has come up to me multiple times with arms outstretched and said "hug, hug." I'll pick her up and she'll rest her head on my shoulder and I'll rock her back and forth, stroking her hair, thinking how odd this whole thing is that she wants to cuddle. She has never been a cuddler, so after her doing this day after day I began to re-evaluate where this might be coming from. My priorities were a bit jumbled.

 I've written a couple posts about the good and bad of blogging. After holding Evelyn, I realized that I was most likely devoting too much time to posting about life rather than living life. I do feel like I have always been an honest blogger. I could probably write a happy and frustrated post every day, although most would probably be more on the aggravating end to tell ya the truth. Being a mom is hard. Much harder than I thought. My kids aren't hard, it physically isn't hard, but I am a very emotionally invested person and I think sometimes I take motherhood even way too seriously than it should be taken :) I feel guilt in an instant and I let it consume me. I could never forgive myself if I spent Evelyn and Warner's childhood infront of a computer screen rather than infront of their beautiful faces. Hence, I'm changing gears here on the blog.

 Whew, let's bring this full circle now, shall we? Starting off talking about changing my blog name to insecurities and self-discovery to motherhood brings me back to the change of blog name. While I hold true to why I chose little almanac in the first place as a blog name, life is getting serious now :) I'm taking this blog more seriously and a cutesy-tootsy name just isn't quite what I'm going for these days. I am on an honest road to re-defining myself, forging new paths, conquering anxieties, opening up vulnerabilities, testing my limits, growing patience, discovering my strengths and strengthening my weaknesses. I'm growing into a darn strong woman. It is probably blogger suicide to change your blog name so late in the game, but I truly feel this will be the best for me.  

So what does this mean for me as a blogger? Does it mean I'll be posting less? Could be. If I have nothing to say I'm not going to post just to say something to keep daily stats up. If Evelyn wants to play tickle monster, then I do that rather than worry about posting. Same goes if Warner needs some cheering on during his roll over practice. But this also means I'm changing what I will post. This space will now be me documenting my "coming of age," if you will. And that story, my friends, requires a lot, and i mean A LOT, of written words. When Jared read this post before I hit publish, his only comment back to me was "wow, your brain sure thinks a lot." Haha, yes! I have so many thoughts bottled up each day and I am wanting to turn this space into more of my therapy board. I think this will help my posts be more heartfelt, more personal, more funny at times even. Pretty pictures will still adorn this space as I absolutely love the beauty of photography and still have every intention of documenting my growing family. This space is for me to blossom into my own and document my discovery of who I am as a woman, wife, and mother. And what better title to own this burgeoning blog than my own name?

So what does this mean for you as a reader? I have truly been amazed by the kindness I have felt in this blogging world. I am so grateful for each one of you who have encouraged me in so many ways by your wonderful remarks. Each comment left on this blog is seriously good for my soul. And while I appreciate each comment with all my heart, I am not going to commit to reply to each one. Again, not because they are not appreciated, but because I am going to try and minimize the amount of time I am infront of the computer or with my phone in my hand. If you do email me personally or leave a question in the comments I will 100% reply. You can count on it!!

I am so grateful for the therapy this space provides for me. I have a sweet obession with this space as it is my creative outlet. I have a love affair with words, as the pages of my journal will tell you, and I hope to bring more of that here. If this place wasn't already enough of a mommy blog, it will surely be so now because that is the stage I am at right now. It is where realm in which I am having the most triumphs and also the biggest struggles.

I know I will probably lose some readers in this switch, and that's ok. But my hope is that I can be more open about how I am feeling and maybe someone else will find solace in my words because I know I could use some honesty in this blogging world instead of flowery images sometimes. I'm planning on changing my domain name to .com in light of this name switch, so be on the lookout to update your readers and bookmarks in the coming days if you want to stick around :)

 Hi. I'm Kendra May Oakden and I am a crazy person. But somehow this blog is killing me and saving me at the same time.