Sometimes life just isn't that grandious. Nothing bad, but nothing exceptionally good either. I've felt lately like I am in a rut, stuck doing the same things day in and day out. I've felt a bit of resentment that I've given up some of my freedom, if you will. That sounds so horrible, I know, because I am truly happy, but I feel limited in many ways of what I can do and who I can become. But I also feel all the contrary that I am now in a position to do things and become someone that I otherwise wouldn't be. Isn't that the oddest thing? I miss the freedom I once had before having a child. I miss my relationship with Jared, just us two. Yet without Evelyn, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today. I wouldn't be able to love as deep, appreciate this world with brand new eyes, test my physical limits, start raising my own progeny. I wouldn't be as joyful today without her, that is certain. There's no mistaking it. I'm just trying to find balance and contentment between giving my all to motherhood and still nourishing me and my marriage.
Sometimes women get a bad rap for being hysterical, dramatic, high-maintenance, overly sentimental, emotionally unstable, and all other kinds of things that make our sex sound weak and petty. Although I'm sure I've earned that title on occassion, I don't think I am THAT woman. I think I am pretty strong. But every now and then my jar of sanity and patience reaches the brim and yes, my emotions are in full force as husband was able to witness this past Saturday. However, I felt so deserving of all those emotions, like I had earned them and it was my right to release them. I had valid reasons for my passionate "unraveling." I think it's because I care so deeply about life, choices, circumstances, and people, that I have such strong reactions. And I'm ok with being passionate. What I'm not ok with is feeling incapable.
In being honest with myself, I think a lot of my frustration at the moment has to do with this blogging world. Uh, and I hate that! I have a real life that goes on outside this computer screen and getting caught up in the cyber world is so unhealthy. But seeing women taking trips here and there, able to leave their kids behind leaves me thinking "Uh, I must be such a weak mom because I am not emotionally ready for that nor would Evelyn be such a charming kid to let me do that." We have a hard time sitting in our carseat for errands, let alone trips across the country. Then seeing so many that have their lives put together, or able to afford this and that, conjures up emotions of jealousy, which is deadly poison. It can crowd out hope and happiness in the blink of an eye. And for all I know, all these lives I read about are a facade, or at least not the whole truth. I have to be truthful. My life is awesome! Everything I post on this blog is authentically me. I try not to sugar coat things and I try my best to be a) joyful and b) honest. And this is me being honest. I do realize that there needs to still be a sense of privacy, and maybe what I'm sharing should be written in my journal and not here {you don't want to see my journal. My thoughts on this are way more exponential there :) } but I also don't want to be misleading about my life either. So here is vulnerable me.
I sincerely am content with my life. Yes, it is rather monotonous right now and I may have lost a bit of my independence, but I've gained the dependency of a loving husband, an ever-affectionate daughter, and tummy kicks of a baby boy.
The other night I was talking with my best friend {I love that I have one of those}, and she said her plans for the evening involved watching The Help. She said something rather curious that stuck with me. She said she liked that movie because it's about dreams and asked me if we adults have dreams. I asked "Like nighttime dreams or aspirations?" "No, aspirations. When we're kids we dream about being an astronaut or ballerina. When we're adults, what do we dream for?"
I've dreamed my whole life about the time that I have right now to be a wife and a mom. I can't let anything entice me or distract me from the wonderful reality that is mine.
"You are the trip I did not take,
You are the pearls I can not buy;
You are my blue Italian lake,
You are my piece of foreign sky."
-Anne Campbell
Those words done pierce my soul. Travels can wait, time alone with the husband may be few and far between, but what I have right now - the prized attention of an 18 month old, the opportunity to raise the next generation and shape someone's whole life and a loving man who is willing to do it beside me? Definitely better than pearls and foreign sky. My dream is unfolding before my eyes. It's quite miraculous, really.
